“Did you convert to Islam?”

I get this question a lot, given I’m now married to a muslim woman. The answer isn’t a simple yes or no. What I hope to do with this essay is walk you through why that is.

One of the reasons I hesitate to give a clear answer is because I’ve always hated being put in a box. One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me was the space to think for myself, to question, explore, and arrive at my own truths. Anytime I feel pushed into a rigid identity or expected to adopt one, I tend to resist.

So for me to say “yes” would feel like I’m inviting people to label me, to assume what I should or shouldn’t do, believe, or become. And I’ve never operated well in that kind of framework.

I’ve actually been around Islam for most of my life. I spent 15 years living in Dubai. I learned to read Arabic. I had mostly Muslim friends. I experienced Ramadan firsthand, waking up to the call to prayer echoing through the streets, watching people fast, break bread, gather in prayer.

But despite all of that, I never really took the time to understand the why behind the practices. And truthfully, neither did most people around me. Islam, for many of my peers, was inherited, rituals passed down from parents, followed without reflection. Praying five times a day, fasting during Ramadan, avoiding alcohol, they were seen as obligations, not invitations.

In fact, a lot of the relationships I witnessed between people and their faith were built on fear. Islam was presented as a strict rulebook: follow it or face punishment. Obey, or risk hell. That version of religion never sat right with me.

So when I was told I’d need to convert to Islam in order to marry Manal, it threw me into a bit of a personal storm. Not because I was unwilling to explore, but because I refused to say “yes” to something I hadn’t genuinely thought through.

📖 Qur’an 2:221 — Marriage to Polytheists (Mushrikeen)

Arabic:

وَلَا تُنكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكِينَ حَتَّىٰ يُؤْمِنُوا ۚ وَلَعَبْدٌ مُّؤْمِنٌ خَيْرٌ مِّن مُّشْرِكٍ وَلَوْ أَعْجَبَكُمْ ۗ

Translation:

“And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe. A believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he may please you.”

When I first read the passage above, I was initially quite thrown off by it. It felt riddled with blind faith, which goes completely against how I adopt beliefs. (I’ve later on understood this verse differently, more on this later)